


We'll Be Okay

by saviourhale



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff and Angst, but basically raven is sad and she needs to feel, but she needs it as much as raven does, clarke should really say no, im really bad with tags, post 2x08 - spacewalker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-30
Updated: 2015-04-30
Packaged: 2018-03-26 13:03:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3851944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saviourhale/pseuds/saviourhale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She doesn’t realize she’s still crying until she reaches the fence and her mom pulls her into a bone breaking hug as soon as the guards manage to get it open. Abby’s murmuring words of consolation into her hair, cradling her to her chest, but it doesn’t matter.</p><p>It doesn’t matter that her mom is there, trying to soothe her pain away. it doesn’t matter because it’s been a long time since her mother’s been able to relieve any of Clarke’s sorrow.</p><p>Most of all, it doesn’t matter because Clarke knows that no amount of hugs and consoling words could ever change the fact that she failed Raven. She failed her in the worst possible way, and Clarke knew things would never be the same again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We'll Be Okay

The events following Finn’s death are a hazy jumbled mess in Clarke’s memory. She can’t remember anything past feeling an immense numbing guilt, and great sorrow at losing yet another friend to this never ending battle for survival.

She remembers feeling sick to her stomach when she realized the only option left was to kill Finn herself, and spare him the never ending and brutal torture he’d probably endure at the hands of the Grounders. It was all she could really do for him, she felt he deserved at least that much.

She remembers Raven’s gut wrenching sob. A sob so loud and heart breaking, it shook Clarke to her very core, echoing deep in the corner’s of her brain. With a fiery rage settling deep in her gut, Clarke made her way back to camp wondering if the day would ever come where she wasn’t in this constant state of fear to have to fight for her life and the life of other’s. She wondered if one day, she’d find some peace down here in this god’s forsaken earth.

-

She doesn’t realize she’s still crying until she reaches the fence and her mom pulls her into a bone breaking hug as soon as the guards manage to get it open. Abby’s murmuring words of consolation into her hair, cradling her to her chest, but it doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter that her mom is there, trying to soothe her pain away. it doesn’t matter because it’s been a long time since her mother’s been able to relieve any of Clarke’s sorrow.

Most of all, it doesn’t matter because Clarke knows that no amount of hugs and consoling words could ever change the fact that she failed Raven. She failed her in the worst possible way, and Clarke knew things would never be the same again.

She’d promise Raven nothing would happen to Finn, and in the end, she had been the one to end his life. 

And God if Clarke didn’t know this changed everything between Raven and her. She knew it very well, and it was that which broke her resolve.

-  
It’s that same heart wrenching mournful sob that haunts her at nights, when the day has ended and she no longer has Bellamy to distract her with plans to rescue the remaining kids back at Mount Whether. When the dark settles over their camp, and she’s nestled deep in between her sheets, a deafening silence keeping her from sleep. 

And finally, when she’s at the very edge of sleep, Raven’s sob rings loudly in her ears and she’s brought back to reality with a start. She sits up in her bed, knees pulled up to her chest and face tucked in between. She hums a tune in hopes of blocking out the memories, but it’s of little avail and Finn’s last words and Raven’s sob echo like a broken record in her head. She achieves little to no sleep, and it’s a never ending cycle that goes on for a week.

Raven is not allowed to see Clarke, and Clarke is not allowed to sought her out. Everyone believes it’s for the best, everything is still fresh, and such events are hard to recover from. Clarke has no energy to argue, or at least that’s what she tells herself, but mostly she’s just terrified to face Raven.

What is she to tell her? How does she explain or justify her actions, when she’d promised no harm would come to Finn. Above all, she’s so afraid that she’s lost Raven, and she’s not eager to prove herself right. Raven had become someone very important to Clarke, someone she could count and depend on, someone she trusted wholly. The sheer thought of not having her in her life terrified her, and she couldn’t imagine life without Raven.

-

On the sixth night since everything happened, Clarke is making her way inside her tent when she catches sight of a familiar red jacket thrown haphazardly across the floor. She turns to her bed, where Raven is sitting frighteningly still, her hands folded over her lap. She’s staring off at a spot on the ground, and Clarke isn’t sure what to do.

“They wouldn’t let me see you” Raven says, her voice groggy, it punches the air right out of Clarke’s lungs.

It’s been a while since she’s heard Raven’s voice, and now she does, and it’s so hollow and broken. It takes every inch of her power to not try and reach out for her, so she keeps her distance and waits. 

“I – after everything, I wanted to see you. I was so angry, and they wouldn’t let me speak to you, and Bellamy kept telling me to calm down. I wanted to sock him in the face” Raven says softly, she looks up at Clarke and she’s got dark shadows beneath her eyes. Her once bright eyes are so dull, it shatters something inside of Clarke, and somehow it’s harder to breathe. Raven looks so detached from the world, it’s makes it a struggle for Clarke to breath and she fights to get some oxygen into her lungs. Her breath comes out shallowly because Raven keeps looking at her like that – like she’s looking at Clarke and at the same time she’s not looking at Clarke, she’s looking at the girl who killed the boy she once loved. The boy who was the last thing she had closest to a family, the boy who regardless of his flaws, had also loved her and been there when she needed him the most.

Raven wants to say something else, but she doesn’t, she just blankly stares at Clarke who’s standing there unable to move, fighting to catch her breath.

“I’m sorry” Clarke chokes out. The air feels so thick, and Clarke doesn’t miss the way Raven’s eyes begin to water as well. She wants to crawl over to the furthest corner and cry her heart out because she has caused Raven so much pain, and it’s something she’d never in a million years imagined doing. 

Raven stands up and limps over to Clarke, she takes Clarke’s face in her hands planting a bruising closed lipped kiss to her mouth. 

“I need you to make me feel something again” Raven rasps out, her forehead pressed to Clarke’s, shallow pants escaping her mouth. She takes one of Clarke’s hands and presses it to her chest. “There’s nothing but numbing pain in here” she whines, and Clarke just holds on tighter to Raven’s hand. “And I need you, I need you to help me, because I’m slowly losing myself and I’m scared. I’m so scared, and angry, and sad. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Help me, help me numb the pain because I can’t handle it anymore” Raven pleads.

Clarke knows she should probably say no, she knows it’s not okay, that they’re both in a very vulnerable state and that they’ll probably end up causing more damage to one another rather than mending the problems they had. 

She doesn’t though, she doesn’t and Clarke doesn’t know why. She just knows that she wants, well, she’s no entirely sure what it is is that she wants. But Raven is there, beautiful and broken, and Clarke has no strength to deny her. And if there’s anything she can do to help ease her pain, she’s sure as hell going to do it, because at least this way she still has a little bit of Raven and for now she’ll take what she can get.

-

So it goes, they hardly speak to each other during the day, and it’s not like they actively avoid each other. They merely have completely different takes at hand to take care of, so they keep it like that, a safe distance from each other during the day.

At night they fall together into bed, their warm bodies sliding over each other, each of them holding back moans and groans, careful not wake anyone in the camp up. Raven bites roughly into the crook of Clarke’s neck, and Clarke kisses her roughly in return. It’s angry and passionate, it’s devastating and beautiful, it’s toxic and unhealthy but it’s theirs.

It’s all they’ve got to hold on to, it’s the only thing keeping them together at the seams.

Raven refuses to talk, and if Clarke even so much as tries to get her to talk, she grunts out in frustration and puts her clothes back on. She leaves without a word and Clarke doesn’t see her for a week.

She comes back with fresh bags under her eyes and a fierce glint to her eyes, roughly pushing Clarke on to the bed and biting at her bottom lip demanding her entrance to her warm and wet mouth.

After the third time this happens, Clarke gives up on trying to talk and just goes with what Raven wants. 

-

“I can’t keep doing this, Raven” Clarke tells her one night. It’s been weeks and they’re still nowhere near rescuing their friends. Clarke is getting frustrated, and the council keeps refusing to let them try anything until they have a full proof solid plan. 

Raven frowns at Clarke. It’s been a while since she’s last tried to get Raven to talk about things, about them, about everything that’s going on. 

This is not her trying to either, this is her doing what’s best for herself because whatever she and Raven have is affecting her concentration level and Bellamy is starting to notice. She’s not at her best, and she finds herself angsting over how long things will go on like this. How long till Raven realizes that what they’re doing is a mistake, that it’s stupid, that it’s not helping anyone because all they’re doing is avoiding their issues and drowning their sorrows in sex.

She’s saying all of these things out loud, and Raven is staring at her with wide startled eyes. Clarke is breathing heavily, and she’s right back at square one. She’s back to that horrible place of mind, where she feels like there is no escape and the world is crumbling around her and there’s absolutely nothing she can do to stop it. Everything is shit, and her friends, her people are still captive in that horrid place. Who knows what kind of hell they’re enduring at the hands of those people, and the girl she loves refuses to even try and speak about their problems in order to try and fix them.

“Clarke” Raven tries, but Clarke is having none of it.

“No, I can’t do this Raven, I can’t” Clarke yells. “I have failed everyone, all I’ve done since we’ve set foot on this god awful earth, is fail everyone. Wells, Charlotte, Finn, You!” she says her voice breaking. “And I just want to bring our friends back home, if we can even call this home. I want just a little bit of what we had before this shit storm hit us, back” Clarke admits wiping the tears from her cheeks.

“Stop” Raven tells her with sad eyes.

“I never meant to hurt you, I never planned on things going this way, I never wanted to kill Finn. I didn’t ask for any of this, and I swear to you, if there was anyway I could have given my life to save Finn, I would have. If it meant you could keep the one person you loved, I would, I would do anything for you Raven" 

Raven takes hold of Clarke’s hands and looks her in the eye, "you’ve never looked more beautiful” she tells her. Clarke gives her a confused stare and Raven guides her towards the bed.

“I was so angry with you, I didn’t want to be angry at you, but I felt so betrayed and hurt. The moment I saw Finn’s body go limp, my world came crashing down. I had lost the only two people I ever loved and trusted the span of a day” Raven explains, her voice so soft, it makes Clarke shudder.

“I was angry for so long, it took me a while to realize, you did the right thing. You did what was best for him, and what was best for all of us, there was only one possible outcome to this whole situation. My anger and grief blinded me, and I couldn’t think clearly, so I blamed you. I blamed everything on you, but you have to know, none of this is your fault. I took a while, but I got it. You haven’t failed anyone Clarke, if anything, you’ve fought so hard and sacrificed so much to keep us all safe and alive. That’s why I love you, and that’s why I was so angry. Because I couldn’t believe you were the one responsible for killing my only family. But you didn’t kill him, you saved him, and for that I am forever grateful to you” Raven admits. 

Clarke is rendered speechless, and she honestly did not predict this to be the outcome of this conversation when she’d talked herself into ending this thing with Raven.

So when Clarke doesn’t speak, Raven gives her a small smile and presses her lips to Clarke’s in a soft sweet kiss. 

“We’re gonna get through this” Raven whispers against her lips, “we always do”

And for the first time in weeks, Clarke feels light and hopeful.

Yeah, they’ll get through this, they have to. They always do.

**Author's Note:**

> I had an idea and I went with it? Hopefully you guys enjoyed it. :)
> 
> Originally posted [here](http://sarahslance.tumblr.com/post/107297339225/post-2x08-space-walker-the-events-following)


End file.
